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Ps&Qs: Assigned Seats

My friend Charlotte has a talent for connecting people. In fact, before she was even living in New York she set me up on a lady date with a friend of hers when I was new in town and in need of pals. It was a total success.

She has since moved to New York and, better yet, married my dear friend Jim from long-ago high school days. Together they are a generous duo who always bring excellent people together. And Charlotte always mixes up the seating arrangement whether we’re having a cozy dinner in their home or out at a restaurant. She breaks up couples (in a good way), pairs people by interest, and truly has a knack for ensuring that there is never a dull moment around the table.

At a recent gathering at their house I noticed Jim consulting a note as he invited us to sit for dinner. Above is the photo evidence of the seating chart brilliance.

So scramble who-sits-where at your next dinner party or night out, you never know where the conversations will take you.

 

 

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Ps&Qs:Good Advice

Food Republic, a food culture destination for men, recently asked me to impart some etiquette and entertaining guidelines for the upcoming holidays. I was referred to as a “lady friend”–a title alone which was was worth the assignment. New moniker aside, I truly had fun dispensing advice on everything from stocking your bar with the right glassware and what to pour in those highball or birdbath glasses.

Following are select posts:

Know Your Glassware

How to Seat Guests

Good Guest Basics

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Ps&Qs: Moving Day

About 10 years ago I realized that there wasn’t enough pizza or beer in the world to properly thank friends for lugging my stuff from one apartment to the next. Moving is at best cathartic, but generally it’s chaotic and just not a mess that I want exposed. We moved recently and our wonderful friends and family of course asked how they could help. Aside from extra boxes (thank you Katie!) the answer was coffee.

I discovered this because of the kindness of Erin S. in Chicago on the day we packed up and left that city. Our home––the scene of so many warm, hilarious nights with friends–– was a depressing hollow shell, a daunting cross country drive threatened and stress levels were elevated. Erin showed up just in time with dark, caffeinated sustenance. Bless you.

Our most recent move was only a few blocks away, but still stressful. Our friend and neighbor, Sue, delivered coffee and hung around to offer a very pleasant (and necessary) distraction. It absolutely made our day.

I wish I had learned this secret to easing transitions and helping out on move day sooner. Call me when you move, I promise to bring the coffee.

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Ps&Qs: Are you coming or what?


How could anyone resist sending in this response card from PearTree Greetings?

I’m not sure why, but responding to invitations seems to be a courtesy that is falling away. Sure, we’re all busy, but so is the person kindly extending an invite, planning a party and holding a spot for you at a table.

We had a party not too long ago and while most responded, there were still a few who did not. Some of those we didn’t hear from showed up (pleasant surprise) and others did not (we get the hint, you don’t want to hang out with us). It was a casual thing so not a big deal either way, but for anyone who has ever orchestrated something that requires a definitive head count, response is important.

It only takes a moment, especially with an electronic invite. However, I realize that if I don’t reply when I first view an email or Evite, it tends to get buried in a string of emails. That is until I remember it and sometimes after the requested respond by date. Super bad guest etiquette.

Emily Post suggests getting back to your host within a day or two of an invitation. Polite, but also practical so that it doesn’t get lost on the to-do list. For anyone in need of a refresher course, here is the complete guide to invitation etiquette according to Ms. Post.

Any outstanding invitations awaiting your reply? Drop your hosts a line today.

 

 

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Ps&Qs:Renew the Social Contract


At a party one night, I was chatting with a woman about one of the larger ideas behind GHG, the belief that we’re all guests here, so we should strive to be more thoughtful and respectful everywhere, be it someone’s home or on the subway.  It resonated with her, because she thinks that we’re losing sight of our social contract––the basic rules of courtesy, conduct and human interaction. The woman’s brother and his girlfriend, who both work at a coffee shop, jumped in and added that many people have just flat out forgotten their manners.

At the risk of sounding prissy (and old), I agree. The couple went through a list of behavior that they observe every day at their job: customers yapping on their phone while ordering; nary a please or thank you; and blatant-I’m-more-important-than-you line jumping, to name a few. Part of the problem is that in our increasingly electronic, virtual, blinking-screen world we tend to treat humans as just another automated service too. I admit, I’ve been guilty of the phone thing. In a reflex reaction I took a call while standing on line at the pharmacy, and I still wasn’t off the call when I reached the counter. I felt like a complete jerk.

It doesn’t take much to renew this social contract either.  A courteous hello, thank you or even a smile––you know, the basics. So, until we are all replaced by robots, put your call on hold, take a minute to acknowledge the human on the other side of the counter, in the toll booth at the ticket counter and be grateful that we are man and not machine (yet).

 

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Ps&Qs: Guest Chef?


Today’s very good question comes from a very funny comedian friend of mine. I’m sure he smoothed over this situation with lots of humor, but I’ve added a few ideas too per his request.

Q: My old friends P & T live in upstate New York in a big house in the Catskills. They gave me and my fiance an open invitation to visit anytime to get a break from the city.  My good friends G & D had also been wanting to leave the city, so I asked P if we could bring them along.

It was a great trip and we all got along––but there was a small hiccup. On Saturday afternoon G (who has restaurant experience as a sous chef) insisted upon handling the shopping and cooking dinner on Saturday night as a thank you to P & T.  While well intentioned, I could sense that P didn’t like being strong armed by G and essentially booted out of her own kitchen.  She relented graciously and let her guest cook. Thoughts? Advice for the next time this happens?  Good ways to handle this?

A: I try to tread lightly when first navigating in someone else’s kitchen. For some this territory is more personal than the bedroom. You know the type: they bristle as you search their drawers, tense up at your technique and can be absolutely pushed over the brink when the dishwasher is loaded the “wrong” way. For as generous as my mom is, she was the “everyone out of my kitchen” type cook. With three kids underfoot I can’t blame her for staking claim to at least one area of the house, and because of this I have sympathy for P.

However, I also applaud G’s efforts to make a big show of appreciation for P’s generosity. Perhaps next time G could still cook, but make a meal that is less the main event than dinner. Ease in with breakfast, brunch or a generous cocktail hour spread (complete with  cocktails that only a bartender with a vest and waxed moustache seems to build). For very low-impact kitchen use, offer to pack a creative picnic lunch (and gift a multipurpose market basket like the one shown above) for a group hike or day trip.

Or, avoid your host’s kitchen entirely by showing up with a few things you made at home. A coffee cake, nuts, granola or some other treat that can be enjoyed during the weekend by everyone. It’s a guaranteed way to impress without the mess or power struggle.

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Ps&Qs: Make a Reservation

One of my favorite gifts for friends who invite me for an extended stay is to treat to a lovely dinner out. This might seem like a last minute cop-out, but with a little planning it’s really quite thoughtful. You get to spend time together, experience your host’s town from another perspective and no one has to worry about the dishes.

I research places––linger-over-everything-and-really-catch-up-spots––on Zagat, Urbanspoon, Eater, The New York Times (Dining & Wine and Travel sections), or a local magazine or city paper. I like to offer a few options before making a reservation. Nothing like booking at a top steak joint only to discover that your friend is now a vegetarian. Perhaps there’s a new place they’ve been wanting to try, but just needed an occasion. Well, here’s the opportunity.

Also, If you’re staying with someone who won’t let you pick up the tab for anything, this is a way to sneak in a little something. Pick up a gift certificate for a excellent restaurant and leave it behind for them as a thank you. By the time they can even try to argue, you’ll be halfway home.

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Ps&Qs: Seat Assignments

I asked for the post-holiday scoop, and readers dished. Hopefully today’s Q&A will help others avoid seating scenarios gone wrong at their next party. Please send along your solutions too. 

Q: At Christmas dinner the hostess (my sister-in-law) requested a favor: that the other single adult guest and I sit at the kid’s table (age range 7-21).  I’m family (the other guest was not) so I obliged, but still felt very put off. Was I wrong to feel slighted?

A: There are several things wrong with this scenario, but your feeling of being snubbed is not one of them. Making people feel welcome is the heart of sharing your table and home. It’s unfortunate that your sister-in-law missed this basic, important detail. Especially since I’m sure she worked hard to shop, cook, clean, etc. for the dinner.

Not only did she assign seats, but rank as well.  Despite the fact that you and the other guest were nearly twice the age of the oldest ‘kid’, those without a plus one were considered lower in the adult table pecking order. That is the more disappointing reveal of your host’s character. We can’t remedy that, but this seating fiasco could easily have been avoided.

*Disrupt the decorative tablescape and squeeze in two more places. It’s possible. This Christmas we had 11 adults at a table that comfortably seats six. It was like one of those annoying story math problems, but I was determined that no one be farmed out to the couch (all of 5 feet away, but still). 10 proper chairs, one shoehorned in stool later and, elbow to elbow, we dined together.

*Forgo the kid vs. adult table and mix up the seating chart. I have a friend who likes to separate couples which is a nice change. But the cross generational set-up is usually a guarantee for interesting turns in conversation. Warning: grandma might get hip to Twitter and start following you.

*Serve buffet style. Set smaller tables and let people land where they will.

*Hosts take the hit. If committed to a sit down deal with a precise number at the table, then the hosts should accommodate their plan by sitting at the kid’s table.

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Ps&Qs: Just relax, really.

Today’s topic is brought to you by my former colleague, friend and generous host, Audra. It was a very good reminder to me that a comfortable guest is the best one of all. Thank you A!

Q: Guests usually want to help with dishes after meals, but I really prefer that they relax and that I do dishes myself. I just think that guests shouldn’t have to “earn their keep” via chores. I know it’s a natural impulse for people to want to help (and I do offer when I am a guest, but I guess I don’t push it and just try to do small things like keep my room/space tidy, wash glasses as I use them, etc).

This weekend’s guest must have asked me 50 times in two days if she could help with something. I finally had her do little things like carry the dishes to the kitchen and assured her that she didn’t owe me anything. But I sensed a bit of awkwardness in our clash of philosophies. All the offering is gracious and I appreciate the gesture, but still I don’t give in. Is that ok?

A: Perfectly ok. Whether staying for dinner or overnight, guests should follow their host’s lead. As you mentioned, it’s really the gesture that is most appreciated. So your guest is right to ask how they can help (and always should), but yes, after the 49th time, they need to take you at your word.

This question is a very necessary reminder for me, because I think I’m this guest––the one who feels unappreciative if I’m not elbows deep in a sink of dishes. My brother-in-law is the same way. Now it’s practically a game between the two of us as to who can sneak in a speed dish washing round after a dinner.

However, I am also a host like you in that I’d prefer guests to linger in the glow of the dinner aftermath and help by, say, finishing that bottle of wine we just opened. Moments around the table with our favorite people are always fleeting, so hosts and guests alike should both relax and enjoy. The dishes can wait.

 

 

 

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Ps&Qs: Pitch In

If you expect hotel service, stay in one.

A friend of mine had a long-term guest crashing with her. It should be obvious when relying on the kindness of others that said guest (no matter the length of stay)  should offer to pitch in around the house. Pick up groceries. Grab a bottle of wine. Do some dishes. Or, at the very least, make the overture to contribute.

Not this three-weeks-and-counting roomie. Instead, one morning as he hunted and pecked for dates online his host tidied up around him (as he sat at her computer). “Oh, this guy loves dogs too. Perfect, right?” he called out. “Um, excuse me, but can you move your leg so I vacuum under that table,” she replied. This went on and on until her house was clean and her patience cleaned out.

Ps&Qs takeaway: if you demand room service, pay for a hotel. The cost of a friendship is worth more than what you’ll ever spend on a room. And hosts, you’re not running a hotel (if it starts to feel that way, put a limit on a stay) it’s ok to make some requests of your guests too.

Ok, the holidays are over. Anyone need to vent about guest-visits-gone-wrong? GHG is listening, spill it.

 

 

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